Firstly, I have to apologise to anybody who may have been anywhere near my route home from work, on the afternoon of Tuesday the 30th of August, as you would have heard the utterances of the No. 1 and No. 2 words in the "Top Ten of Expletives to Yell at People".
So, what brought on this unaccustomed outburst, from my normally innocent lips?
I'll tell you.
Cycle Snobbery.
What do I mean by Cycle Snobbery? Well, I'm sure you know the types of cyclist I refer to, they dress to cycle to and from work, in the style of Chris Boardman. They have the full attire; road bike, Lycra shorts, matching team jersey, tinted glasses, the works.
Well, I too cycle to and from work, (a round trip of 15 miles I may add), albeit slightly slower, on a dodgy mountain bike, dressed like Stan Boardman! But I still manage to get to work on time.
So, what differs me to the Cycle Snobs? Well, they know they are fast, they know they have a good bike, they know that their pert arse cheeks look firm and toned, housed as they are in their colour co-ordinated Lycra shorts.
I'm none of the above, I don't particularly want to be either. However, what gets me, is the Snobs look down on the likes of me with total disdain.
Don't get me wrong, lots of my fellow cyclists are very amenable, some even give me a cheery "Hello" as they invariably overtake me. Not Cycle Snobs, oh no! They flash past in a blur of Lycra, on their £1000 plus bikes, they shoes firmly clipped into their pedals.
So, I hear you say, what have these so called Snobs done to me?
Well, let me tell you.
I cycle on cycle paths and on the road, whatever is convenient, however I always adhere to the Highway Code, I am mindful of pedestrians on the cycle paths and I am mindful of the traffic on the roads. I know how annoying cyclists can be for car drivers, so I don't want to cause any issues with other road users.
I also always wear a helmet and hi-vis jackets or vests. I want to be seen and safe.
I also never ride through a red light, there is nothing more infuriating to the car driver, to see a cyclist flout the law and ride through on red.
So, why did I let fly with some expletives recently? Well, I saw a cyclist ride through a red light and I saw red!
He was bedecked in his team colours and rode through a red signal at a busy junction, a junction I was also waiting at, on my bicycle. Our light went to green and I went, just at the same time that our friend in Lycra thought he could squeeze in. Now, I did not have to swerve to avoid him, as he had a few yards on me, but I did shout; "RED LIGHT!"
Shouted sufficiently loud enough for him to look back and slow up.
I easily caught up with him and asked him most politely; "please don't ride through a red light, you are giving cyclists a bad name".
His response? "Oh f*** off!" And carried on cycling.
Wrong answer.
I countered his rebuff with; "I'm sorry? I'm just passing on advice to a fellow cyclist and you have the cheek to verbally abuse me? That's not fair".
I believe he repeated his original opening gambit, quickly followed by "yer knob"! Then he put his foot down, so to speak and rode off. Not before I managed to suggest, that he was "the knob!" in this scenario.
Unfortunately, I felt that was an insufficient put-down to drive home my point. That's when I unleashed the "F & C Bomb".
I am not particularly pleased with myself for that, I fear it may have cheapened my argument and lost me the moralistic high ground. I regretted it as soon as I shouted it and I shouted it rather loud, I wanted our friend to hear, but I fear it may have been in vain, as matey-boy sped out of earshot.
So there we are, if you are a Cycle Snob or you have friends who are Cycle Snobs, then please forgive me, but see it from my point of view, we need to share safely the roads we cycle on and ensure we do so whilst remaining on the right side of the law. As a car driver and pedestrian, I know cyclists can be a menace. Mind you so can car drivers and pedestrians, but that's another story.
And please, look out for me when you're cycling, you can't miss me, I'm the one with the dinky legs pedalling like fury, puffing away, looking to all intents and purposes like the imaginary lovechild of Danny DeVito and Jeanette Krankie.
If you see such a spectacle, wave, say hello, shout some encouragement.
Don't cycle past me with your head down, but you nose stuck in the air. And don't let me catch you cycling through a red light!
Anyway, as a footnote to this, I have now reserved a new road bike, so I will be cycling faster, sleeker, my head down with hands on a set of drop handlebars. So beware Cycle Snobs, the next person puffing away behind you, may just be me, so don't give me the chance to overtake! Nobody wants to see this arse clad in Lycra!
