Chris Difford Goes Around the Houses

Chris Difford Goes Around the Houses

As you will probably know, if you are a Squeeze fan, Chris Difford embarked upon a solo project this year (2016), in between touring with Squeeze and various other commitments. The name of the project is Fancy Pants (A Play for Today), along with Boo Hewerdine, Chris has written 23 songs for the album.

Chris looked to crowd fund the project via the Pledge Music website. Amongst the items that you could pledge for were the normal CDs, digital downloads etc. but you could also pledge for a paperweight, one of Chris’ shoes, some pants, a song written for you or a house gig. All very special in their own way and a great way to support the fine Mr Difford in his latest solo venture.

Now, there are various social media outlets, where Squeeze is discussed, by  like-minded individuals, who like nothing more than to sing the praises of Squeeze and all of its members. It was in one such conversation that the thought of Chris Difford playing a gig, in your own front room, was raised and discussed and wondered over.

“Wouldn’t it be amazing?”

“I’d love to do that!”

“It’d be great – a real once in a lifetime opportunity.”

“… but it would never happen…….”

Those were the things I said, those were the things a lot of my social media friends said. The thoughts of Chris Difford doing a house gig, to a small band of loyal fans; amazing! It bought smiles to our respective faces, as we dreamed our dreams away.

Until one day, not long after the pledges were made available, I was contacted privately by Shirley. Shirley and her husband Dave are avid music fans and one of the nicest couples that I had never met. However, Shirley had a dilemma. Dave had offered his wife, for her up and coming birthday, the chance to be the recipient of a Chris Difford house gig!
Wow! Dream come true time but…….

Shirley didn’t think they had the room to host a gig, living as they do in a small house in North Wales. This is where I come in. Would I host the gig, Shirley asked, in my slightly bigger house? My jaw dropped, I was dumbfounded. Could we do it? Should we do it? Is this real? Before those questions had formulated in my mind, my fingers had typed the word “yes”. That was settled then. I just had to tell my wife what I had done!

To be fair, my wife Denise took it in her stride. She knows that Chris Difford is an idol of mine; she also knew that this was a once in a lifetime opportunity *. She was also acutely aware that we were opening our house to a bunch of complete strangers! Never-the-less the ball was rolling. Several discussions then ensued as dates were emailed back and forth from organiser and financier; Dave, to artist; Chris and to host; me!

Soon November the 12^th 2016 was earmarked as D (ifford) Day. Next the guest list was formulated; this was Shirley’s domain, having to decide who could make the gig; should it be 6 guests? No 8, what about 10. 10 it is.

Our conversations had transferred from Facebook and Twitter to actual telephone calls and Shirley asked if I was happy with the arrangements.
Happy? I was ecstatic!

“…. And 12 is not too many?”

“12?”

“Yes, a couple more have confirmed – that’s OK isn’t it?”

It was more than OK – it could have been twelve hundred – the bottom line was; the enigmatic, charming, lyrical genius that we politely call Mr Difford was going to be sat in my lounge, with guitar, for our private entertainment. Those thoughts, although true, never seemed to go beyond a dream, however many times it was discussed and however many days passed by, the reality did not sink in.

Until the day itself.

Now here is the most beautiful thing about this whole event, as the day of the gig came ever closer we were discussing, online, things like; transport, hotels, parking, arrival times, food, drink and meeting up for the first time! Yes, the thing that surprises a lot of people I tell about this wonderful day, and I do try to tell everybody I meet! The thing that pleases them most is that we, a group of strangers, actually get together for the first time and we get on as if we had known each other for years. It warms the old cockles, that’s for sure.

On the day before the main event half of the ‘House Gig’ audience met for a meal, so it was a little ice breaker, but to be honest there was no ice to break – it was if eight lifelong friends were sitting around the dining table. Dave and Shirley. Pete and Jan. (These four actually know each other and have been friends for years, so we cheated a little). Myself and Denise. Then Claudia and Pat, who flew in from America.

Oh, didn’t I say that?

Yes, we had a transatlantic flight for two guests! And they are a couple of the loveliest ladies you could ever meet.

I mean, some Americans…….. (that sounds familiar).

Enough of this talk, let us get to the main event. Saturday night arrives and the doorbell starts ringing from 6 o’clock. First to arrive are Stephen and Rob, again we have never met before but this joint love of music, Squeeze in particular, puts us at our ease. The magic of the evening ahead means there are a lot of positive feelings in the air. Pat and Claudia are hot on Stephen and Rob’s heels and are duly introduced. Denise manages to converse and juggle the vast quantity of food she is laying out on the dining room table. Dave, Shirley, Pete and Jan arrive and the lounge is getting busier. Last but not least Tami and Diane bowl up in a flurry of expectant giggles and broadest of broad smiles. It is truly wonderful.

That dream I mentioned earlier is merging into reality.

Everyone is offered food and drinks; some cannot face food, their stomachs churning with nervous excitement and anticipation. Dave’s phone buzzes in his pocket - a message from Chris! He’ll be here around quarter to eight! Hearts start to beat a little faster, but the conversations continue. The minutes tick by, pictures of Mr Difford slide across the TV screen to a soundtrack of some his solo songs. There are laughs a plenty, but also nervous glances. Dave’s phone rings! It is the man himself, he is outside, but doesn’t know where we are. I go outside and position myself on the end of the drive and look up the road, a black Audi starts up and turns to face me. It drives past, stops and the reversing lights flash on. I instinctively start waving my arms slowly, beckoning the driver to come straight back. The thought that I am backing Chris Difford onto my drive is not lost on me as I wave slowly in an almost dreamlike state. The car stops, the door opens and sliding gracefully out of the driver’s seat is Mr Chris Difford. I maintain an upright position although my knees are like jelly. His hand comes straight out and we shake, quite literally in my case. He excuses his poor reversing, I say it was fine. We make small talk as we walk to the boot. The guitar case is there, he hands me a bag, the contents of which I wasn’t sure of. We discuss music stands and chairs, as the boot slowly shuts, with a grace and poise that emulates the man standing beside me. Dave appears from the side of the house and introduces himself, as we walk slowly around to the back door. I thought it would be easier to come in the back way rather than to fight the multitude of chairs and bodies in the lounge.

Chris Difford is in my house!

He says hello to Denise, who is still piling up the food, and Chris remarks on how wonderful it all looks. Denise offers him some food, but he declines politely saying he has a meal planned for later. He makes his way towards the lounge and says hello to the gathered crowd as they almost squeal with delight! He turns back to Denise briefly and asks if he could use the loo! He maybe a deity to us, but he is also human, I show him through into the hall and point him up the stairs, shutting the door behind him, I look back into the lounge at the excited faces. Chris Difford is using my loo!!

It is getting more and more amazing.

He returns and takes up his place, on a chair by the TV, in front of a semi-circle of admiring onlookers. We don’t know really what to expect, but he relaxes us with gentle conversation, as he removes his guitar from that famous stickered case, before starting the musical soiree with “Take Me I’m Yours”.  Afterwards he suggests we introduce ourselves, so that he knows who is who, so we go round the semi-circle saying who we are and where we are from. He is genuinely interested and asks questions and jokes with each of us, being particularly impressed with the American contingent, on how far they had travelled.

The next hour or so passes quickly, with songs, laughs and stories. Pictures are taken, videos are recorded and questions are asked. I can’t really remember the order of the songs, but the set list contained;

Electric Trains

Cinderella

1975

Lamas Fayre

Around The Houses

On My Own I’m Never Bored

Pop Noodle

Fat as a Fiddle

Battersea Boys

Cowboys Are My Weakness

Cool For Cats

It wasn’t really a set list though; Chris asked us for any requests or flicked through his songbook and sang and played beautifully. He talked about Fancy Pants. He talked about songs and song writing. He talked about life in Squeeze. It was a really friendly relaxed, joyous occasion and one that sadly had to end. Although he was gracious enough and happy enough to pose for photographs. He also signed his autograph on various items. A true gentleman and a legend in the lounge!

We waved him off as his car drove quietly out of the cul-de-sac and we retired back to the lounge for food, drinks and to relive the last ninety minutes, with huge smiles on our faces and copious amounts of love in our hearts.

People tell me it is a wonderful story, how twelve people came to together, drawn close by the love of this great man. We may have met as strangers, but we leave this experience as true friends. The distance between us physically may be far, but there is a unique closeness in our hearts. It was and still is, as we look back on it, a very emotional day – there was a lot of love in that lounge.

I cannot end this little story without thanking a few people, for making our lives just that little bit brighter.

Chris Difford is a wonderful person, enigmatic maybe, but funny, sharing, thoughtful, talented and he brings joy via his songs to the hearts of thousands and long may it continue.

Pete and Jan, a wonderful fun loving couple, I don’t think I have laughed so much with people I have only known for a few hours, just lovely.

Stephen and Rob stepped over the threshold and were immediately friends. Quiet and unassuming but knowledgeable about music and musicians, ready to regale you with stories from their life together.

Tami and Diane. Well what can I say? From social media you get this anarchic fun loving buzz exuding from their every post. In reality they are much the same. Dedicated Squeeze fans and just so much fun to meet.

Claudia and Pat, our long distance travellers. Pat was so easy going, down to earth and wonderful to talk to. Claudia was so charming and smitten by all things English, including Chris Difford and mushy peas. A fine combination.

I should also like to thank my lovely wife Denise for standing by me, even though she thought I was off my rocker for saying yes! However, having gone through the whole experience she would do it again in the blink of an eye, she loved it!

Last and by no mean least are Dave and Shirley, without whom none of the above would have happened. Such a lovely, devoted couple. Dave is a musician and just a really nice chap, very easy to get on with and somebody I can now call my friend. Shirley is just the most wonderful person ever, she didn’t have to share this adventure with me, but she did and it was a most unselfish thing to do, sharing the love and bringing us all together for a most amazing experience.

I am truly honoured to be so close to some amazing people.

Thank you.


* Update
And do you know what? We did it all over again 18 months later! A bit bigger, a bit better, some different people, it was really great.

Our Italian Holiday 2016 - Part 3

Day 5 - Wednesday 21st September

So we've reached day 5 and we are halfway through already! Today is a rest day for us, no coach trip - although those with a head for heights and a desire to spend another day on board the coach could travel to the Grand Dolomites. Mountains to you and me. We, instead plumped for a lie-in and then a walk into Arco and then walk up a mountain!!


What?


OK, not quite a mountain, but the Castello di Arco is situated atop a very tall outcrop of mountain, nestled some 100m above the town itself. To reach it you need to wind your way up a very zig-zag path that crosses back and forth beyond and above the town, rising slowly through the olive groves. Stunning views, become even more stunning as you rise slowly above the town of Arco, with views out towards Riva del Garda and the lake beyond.


Sounds idyllic doesn't it? Well yes, it was and is. And at one point, they decided to build a viewing platform jutting out from the side of the rock, high above the town below. Not that bad you would think, but then some bright spark came up with the idea to make the last 3 feet and the end wall out of glass!! Totally unnecessary and for those who don't like heights, totally frightening! Now I like heights, it's the drops I cannot stand, so I declined to venture out onto some glass shelf, which would, knowing my luck, shatter into a million pieces, as soon as my little toe got near to it.

We carried on up and eventually reached the castle ruins. You do have to pay to walk around, but there is video presentation, plus display boards detailing the history and don't forget the views from the very top. Absolutely stunning morning spent up there and all done under our own steam.

The rest of the day was taken up by lunch back down in the town, followed by the short walk back to the hotel, where we took full advantage of the sunshine and the pool, well I did a few lengths whilst Mrs Dave dangled her legs in the pool and Little Miss Dave read whilst lying out on a bean bag. Unfortunately, that late afternoon sunshine didn't last long, but another enjoyable Italian holiday day ticked off.


Day 6 - Thursday 22nd September

Today is another included excursion, this time to the southern end of the lake, so it's all aboard the coach for journey down to Garda town. Garda town is another quaint picturesque town, nestled into the lake side. With it's Italianate styles of architecture, dusky beige and pink houses, with open campaniles, exposing the swinging bells, striking the hour. Although the early start meant that the sun hadn't fully burnt off the cloud, so Garda was slightly overcast.

Lazise

We then took the short coach journey further south, to Lazise where the sun was starting to shine. Lazise again is stuck on the side of the lake, with open promenades and wide piazzas beyond the city walls. A nice little stop to taste the delights of the hotel's packed lunch, or feed it to the ducks!

Sirmione

The third and final stop on our southern lake tour is the stunningly beautiful Sirmione. Set on a thin peninsula jutting northwards up into the lake, Sirmione is the epitome of Lake Garda tourist towns. It mixes ancient architecture, with modern buildings but the two do not encroach on one another. You stop in the modern and walk through to the old, like some time travelling tourist. However, in our case we first took a boat trip to discover Sirmione and it's differing architectural styles from the lake. We picked up our boat, at the side of the coach park. Only room for around 20 people, with no top, but a massive outboard engine, which was only tickled into life as we gently cruised around the peninsula. Taking in the views of the Scaliger Castle and the various churches dotted around. We then drifted out into the lake to see the bubbling thermal springs that feed warm water into the lake, a natural phenomenon not lost on the people of Sirmione, as they used the thermal springs to run their spas and bath houses, where visitors could come and take advantage of the healing powers of the waters. Anyway back to the boat, after seeing the thermal springs, our captain told us to sit down and hold tight, as we began our very quick journey back to the dock.

I say very quick, because he whacked the engine on full throttle and gunned the boat back to shore! The pointy end, (nautical term), where we were sat, raised up in the water and the stern sat low down, spewing foamy water streams out of the back as we haired along. If you've never seen a boat full of pensioners screaming with joy, you've never lived! Our trusty and somewhat mental captain started swinging the boat around in great arcs, flicking the wheel from side to side. Enormous fun and a great end to our little boat trip.

We settled ourselves after the boat ride, with a few drinks down on the lake side, sitting in the glorious sunshine, sipping wine and eating the olives, nuts and snacks, which the bars regularly provide, for free, if you buy drinks. Just perfection!

And obviously, our trip would not be complete without the regular purchase from the local gelateria!


Travellers Tips, For Your Coach Trips

Another thing to be wary of on a coach trip is technology. Do you know how annoying the key tones on a mobile phone are? On a sleepy coach, in the middle of the night, with some chap behind, tapping away, the answer is; very! We did suffer, with strange screen glows and beeps and whistles and diverse ringtones. Just be careful. If you don't think your ringtone is annoying, then somebody else will.
However, I must confess to falling foul of my own guidelines. I have bluetooth headphones, ideal to hook up to your smartphone and listen to music. Unfortunately, my bluetooth headphones have a bright little blue LED that flashes gentle every second when it is connected. During the day, it would probably go unnoticed, but at 2am on a very dark and quiet coach, travelling through France it can be very bright! I expect the people sat behind me were thinking that the Gendarmerie were chasing the coach!


Click for Part 4

Our Italian Holiday 2016 - Part 4

Day 7 - Friday 23rd September

And here we are with out last excursion day of the holiday and as it is Friday, then that must mean Verona. If Venice were a tad disappointing in reality, Verona made up for it in spades! It is a beautiful city, full of history and character. Narrow streets give way to large piazzas and city walls protect their contents.
We start by taking the coach to the highest point of the area, where our guide; Andrea - who we picked up on the way - talked us through the sights of the city. Sights that we will soon be visiting when we head down back to the historical centre of Verona. He also provides us with a potted history of his home town of Verona. He is a very knowledgeable chap and his English was superb, although he did sound a bit like an Italian Stephen Hawking.
We board the coach back down to the city and are dropped off, with Andrea, by the river where we continue our guided tour on foot.

"Andiamo!"

Is Andrea's favourite phrase, basically meaning "let's go!" - so he repeats it after every stop. We take in several points of interest on our way through the city, Andrea with his pointing stick and portable PA, leading then way and talking us through the sights and history as we go.

One popular highlight is the Casa di Giulietta - Juliet's House, where the balcony made famous by Shakespeare is on show. Obviously being a fictional character, then it's just a tourist trap, albeit quite an old one. It is set back in a little courtyard and is probably the most popular attraction in Verona, as it is packed with tourists! So although we saw the balcony, any chance of rubbing Juliet's boob (Google it!) was going to be a fruitless cause, as a myriad of selfie-sticks, cameras and tourists were gunning for the brassy boobs! Anyway, Andrea was shouting "Andiamo!" so we had to move on to the next attraction.

Our walking tour ended in Piazza Bra, next to the arena or ampitheatre. As we had a couple of hours to kill, we opted to place ourselves in a shady restaurant at the side of the piazza and enjoy some pizza and risotto - when in Rome! (Or Verona).

Far too soon it was time to board the coach to make our way back to the hotel for the last time. On the way we made a stop at a local wine shop who allow tasting, with the option to buy any you liked, should you want to - and who wouldn't at those prices? Bargains!


Day 8 & 9 - Saturday 234th & Sunday 25th September

We wake slightly later on Saturday and have a lazy breakfast, prior to packing the cases and checking out at 10am. The cases are taken to the coach and loaded for us and we stow any hand luggage that we don't need. We are not departing until 3:30pm so are free to stay around the hotel or wander around Arco, which is what we do - finding the supermarket to buy provisions for the long journey home. We also took full advantage of the little land train and had a 2 euros ride around Arco. What's not to like?

We're not looking forward to over 24 hours on a coach that's for sure - but here goes!

Arrivederci!

Ciao!



We hope you have enjoyed the holiday blog - it's something we do for us, just to collate our memories before they fade like a holiday sun tan. We know we have a laugh at the expense of the coach trips, but we do like them - all of the hassle is removed from the holiday, you don't have to worry about where to go or what to do, or how to get there, everything is laid on for you and we like that. A holiday should be for relaxing and although you can be on the go a lot of the time, there's no need to worry about it!

If we do have a tip for a coach trip, it is to go on one - they are not as cheesey as you might think and they are a great way to socialise if you want - or you can just do your own thing.

Thanks for reading and see you next year.

Our Italian Holiday 2016 - Part 2

Day 3 - Monday 19th September

The first day of the holiday proper and today we board the coach for the short 4km trip down to the Lake Garda shore for our first stop, on the northern lake tour, the small town of Riva Del Garda.
Riva Del Garda is a quaint town, where apparently there always seems to be something going on. When we were there a vintage car rally was going on, as car after car pulled in to the main piazza. We only had a brief look around, as we had a boat trip booked to take us from Riva Del Garda down to our next stop of Limone.



Limone is a beautiful lake side town renowned for its production of lemons, hence the town's name - although the Wikipedia page doubts that fact. Limone is small, but is one of the busiest tourist attractions on the lake, so the small streets are bustling with visitors.

We took the opportunity to avail ourselves of one of the many lakeside restaurants and ordered some lunch. It is so nice to relax, in the sunshine, with views of the lakes and mountains beyond, enjoying time together - just perfect.

Looking towards Castello Scaligero

Soon we had to board a boat again, to take us to the third town in our northern Lake Garda tour; Malcesine. Again another beautiful Lake Garda town, there are many buildings of interest to see, especially if you like Italianate architecture, there is the Castello Scaligero to the north of the town, but we spent time in the centre and sat in a park near to the Comune di Malcesine, or town hall. From here we walked down to the harbour to watch the various tourist boats come in and out, whilst eating the obligatory gelato, (ice cream).

It is such a lovely area around Limone and Malcensie, the massive mountains thrust skywards with majestic grandeur, protecting the lake nestling in the valley below. The scenery is truly stunning and photographs will never do it full justice.


Day 4 - Tuesday 20th September

Tuesday is going to be one of the longest touring days, as we have to travel for 3 hours or so to get to Venice - one of the weeks highlights for sure. An early start means an early breakfast and the hotel chimed with the removal of Steradent soaked dentures from their respective glasses and slipped into the requisite mouths, so that they can chew on the various delights at the breakfast buffet! Just to say that breakfast was a small affair, with sliced meats, cheese, cereals and yogurts. No bacon, toast or sausages to be found. There were hard boiled eggs though. It was plain and simple, but along with the squeezed (from a carton) orange juice, it set you up for the day. Plus new queues for the toaster!
The three hour drive to Venice, meant for most people, another opportunity to sleep, so it was a quiet drive in. The first views of Venice are not the picture postcards views, it is more industrial than that and there is a busy and bustling port, with a coach park to herd the thousands of tourist into the city.

Obviously, the only way into Venice is on the water, so we boarded a boat to take us away from the modern industrial area into the watery historical centre of Venice proper. It is a great chance to take photographs as the Venice skyline changes from the modern to the ancient. We dock close to the entrance to St Marks square. Our first port of call is to go from the large ferry boat, to a water taxi, to take us on a whistle stop tour of the Venetian canals and bridges.

It is an ideal way to take in the sights and is a lot cheaper than a gondola! Clearly not as romantic though. Looking at the Venetian architecture, it is stunning, but delicate in places. Areas can be a little jaded, despite the fact that Venice is clearly a rich town and attracts many thousands of tourists per day, willing to part with their cash.

Again, being relatively small, with tiny streets (yes there are some non-watery streets in Venice) and canals and bridges, alongside the multitude of tourists, Venice can be very busy and intimidating. With the winding streets and very narrow passages, there is something to see around every corner, mainly another throng of selfie-stick waving tourists! It is also extremely easy to get lost, as the narrow streets preclude you from seeing tall landmarks to get your bearings from. We took time out in St Marks square to marvel at the sight of the Basilica, not just it's beauty but the massive queue of people snaking around trying to get inside.
We sat at the foot of the Campanile and ate our packed lunch (supplied by the hotel, uninspiring, but free), and watched the thousands of tourists taking selfies. I should note that one thing surprised me about Venice, they frown about people like us eating lunch in St Marks square, but seem to allow street vendors to flog tacky tourist goods from various stalls dotted around. And that is not to mention the "Looky, looky" men on every bridge and corner trying to sell handbags, splodge balls and selfie sticks! A splodge ball for those who are wondering, is a ball that when you throw it on the floor flattens and 'splodges' itself, but then regains it's ball-like shape. If you imagine every 10 yards there's a man throwing one of these at your feet, you can see how annoying that can be! And who the hell wants to buy one in Venice anyway? Selfie-stick maybe, but a rubber shape changing ball? Sorry, I don't get it.

Anyway, back to Venice - a beautiful, romantic and fascinating town - unique in many ways,

but a place of opposites as well. Definitely pleased that we went to see first hand it's uniqueness, but perhaps not a place you would return to, unless the number of tourists dropped dramatically, which will never happen. Now, where we were? Yes, Venice and more gelato, eaten from tubs with little plastic spoons, as we sidled along the back streets of Venice, looking for the Rialto bridge. Now the Ponte di Rialto was easy to find, as it spans the Grand Canal and is covered in scaffolding! Still, another landmark ticked off. We managed to get a few photos without too much trouble, but again, as with all the main points of interest it was packed!

After this we headed back to St Marks square and the water front, where we were to catch our boat back to the coach. Now the instruction was; be back at the water front no later than 3:20pm, as the boat will leave at 3:30pm - there is nothing they can do if you are late, it is a commercial boat, with other trips to do, don't be late or the boat will go without you!
Oh dear.
We weren't late, in fact we were early, but it was less populated on the water front and we could cross the several bridges between St Marks square entrance and the boat pick up point, so more sight seeing was done.
However, the boat pulled in and our drivers counted us on. Four missing and the clock ticking.........
We waited. And we waited. 3:30pm came and went. Phone calls were made. The boat captain wanted to go, the boat co-coordinator on the dockside was sympathetic and but wanted the boat to go too. So, the boat went, four passengers light.

Everyone on board was concerned, as the ramifications for those four weary (and old, it's always the old ones!) were huge. They would have to get a water taxi back to Tronchetto where the coach park is, to catch us up. This did not happen, we waited in the coach for the hour wait to be up, (official procedures state that the coach drivers must wait an hour after the allotted meeting time before leaving passengers behind).
The hour came and went, no contact had been made to the coach firm or the drivers - so the coach left and drove the three hours back to Arco, a journey our missing passengers would have to make on the train, bus or taxi.
I would not like to be in that position!

This story does have a happy ending, the four missing passengers are now selling selfie-sticks and splodge balls in Venice! Not really, they eventually turned up at the hotel 5 hours later at just after half past nine, having had to get a train from Venice to Verona, then a bus to Riva Del Garda and a lift in a private car back to the hotel, arriving to a large cheer by their fellow passengers who were sat outside the hotel enjoying the evening air, with their all inclusive drinks! A lesson for us all there, get a holiday with all inclusive drinks!
No! Make sure you know the departures times and where to be.


Travellers Tips, For Your Coach Trips

If you go on a coach trip you need to know that pick up times and departure locations are set and if you are not there, you will be left behind. Common sense states you should use your mobile phone to contact the coach firm, they have emergency numbers for that purpose, also if you are waiting where you think the pick is and you are alone- you're in the wrong place! Our missing four, or the Menace in Venice as they were dubbed, all had phones but never thought to ring. Also they said they thought they were waiting in the right place but never saw anyone, clearly the wrong place then! They looked like intelligent people, they managed to get themselves dressed, but failed to navigate the water front in Venice! Yes, it is easy to get lost, but with a party of four, you have the luxury of sending two exploring other options, rather than just waiting. So if you find yourself in a similar situation, take photographs of your departure locations to refer to later - obviously not with a film camera - the cost and time wasted getting them developed would not help! Ensure you understand the instructions, if you're not sure; ask. It's better to be thought of as someone who asks questions, rather than someone who is lost. Failing all that, if you have no confidence in navigating a foreign city, ask to hook up with someone who is. Coach trips are a collective, your fellow passengers are your friends, seriously, if they didn't want to mix with other people, they wouldn't have booked a holiday with 30 other lunatics!


Click for Part 3

Our Italian Holiday 2016 - Part 1

So here we are yet again, with another holiday blog. If you have read some of the previous holiday blogs then you will know that these are only written for prosperity and maybe a little light amusement. They are not a narcissistic view of our life and what we get up to, but an understated memoir, that reflects our holidays and provides information and hopefully some fun.
So dear reader, read on.

Day 1 - Saturday 17th September 2016

This year's holiday is another coach affair. We like them, although this is going to be an overnight run from England all the way to Italy! Over 24 hours on a coach, this is clearly not for the fainthearted!

Normally our feeder coach is a minibus which then takes us to a dreary motorway services somewhere, where we swap to a larger coach. Not this year, oh no! We're sat, at the crack of dawn, at out local bus terminal, when this huge Mercedes Grand Tourer luxury coach pulls up! So we have a very comfortable start. When we board the coach, it already contains some passengers - mainly couples - mainly old, so the casual racism and xenophobia start early!

First stop is Swindon, not the most inspiring architecture as we pull in to the town centre bus station. Another few couples board, again mainly old, which makes me feel younger. The next stop is Chievely services - the glamour never starts!

And so down to Dover we go, picking up in Reading, Bracknell and Clacket Lane services, on the way. We stop at Hythe services; "Stop 24" it is called, where a whole fleet of coaches pull in, drop off their passengers, swap suitcases, as passengers wait inside the services for their coach to be called. They load up again, with their requisite passengers destined for sunnier European climes. It is a military operation and one that works very well.
It is the ferry port we head for, rather than the tunnel, which we have used before. The ferry was awash with aging passengers, I wasn't certain if we were sailing to Calais or Lourdes! If you took a deep breath in, your nostrils filled with the aroma of the salty sea air, Steradent and Werthers Originals!

Next stop Calais and the overnight run to Lake Garda. The rest of Saturday was taken up with a steady journey through the night and through France, stopping every few hours for a toilet stop and leg stretch. Let me tell you, there's never a lot going on in French motorway services at three in the morning!


Day 2 - Sunday 18 September 2016

We awake somewhat bleary eyed and stiff, to find ourselves in Switzerland and another service station. However, this one is selling over-priced breakfast! The chef on duty spots us and must know we are English - (how can they tell?) - as he immediately points to the bacon and eggs - we nod enthusiastically and he cooks our breakfast there and then. A nice, albeit expensive start to the day.
As we travel through Switzerland and then northern Italy the scenery changes - that is, when we are not driving through mile after mile of tunnels! Fields and industrial parks give way to majestic mountains soaring up in all directions, vineyards with row after row of symmetrically trained vines, nestle in valley floors and lower mountain slopes. Plus, of course lakes. We pass Maggiore, Como and then Lake Garda itself, our home for a week.

We arrive at the hotel in the late morning and as normal check-in is not until 2pm, we leave our cases for the porters to take to our rooms and securely stored any hand luggage, so we could go off and explore for a couple of hours. We walk into Arco town centre for lunch and test our Italian linguistic skills on the waiting staff, white wine is easy, for the rest we just point at the pictures!
After lunch we strolled back to the hotel and spent the next few hours unpacking and sleeping. Coach travel wears you out!


Travellers Tips, For Your Coach Trips

Here's our first handy guide for when you want to travel by coach.

You must try to get on with your fellow passengers, especially if you are going to be spending the whole duration of the holiday with them!
Noise levels. It is expected that you will be chatting on the coach, it's natural, but do not be too loud. Respect your fellow passengers, especially those around you. For example, your seat table is there for your convenience, but it is attached to the seat in front, when you clap it back up with the force of a small explosion, give a thought for the fellow passenger in front, who has just nearly choked on a Murray Mint! Ease the table up and down gently.

It's annoying when in a confined space, someone is coughing or sneezing, it annoys you doesn't it? Remember this when you do it. Constantly. Behind me. Annoying me stupid!

Also, if you mumble or hum or even start singing - to yourself - you will be regarded as something a tad special, so don't be surprised if you are avoided for the rest of the holiday.

Finally, do take advantage of all the toilet stops available, they are not just for the toilet, you can stretch your legs, have a quick puff on a cigarette or maybe surreptitiously, ease out any wind you may have. Farting on a coach is the biggest faux pas. No one wants to smell your eggy pumps, wafting down the aisle. You have been warned! 


Click for Part 2